On the Benefits of Doing Nothing

I spend too much time on my phone. As soon as I wake up, I check Twitter, Instagram, emails, the weather, the news. I use mobile apps to track my reading habits, how far I've walked each day, how much sleep I've had each night. When I go to work, or to the supermarket, or when I take the bus to town to meet friends, I'm always listening to a podcast. 

I crave stimulation. 

Part of it probably comes from a need to 'feel busy'. I like being productive. I like using my time wisely. I always have a To Do list, and I feel deeply smug when I accomplish everything on The List. But, in my haste to Get Things Done, I don't often sit with my thoughts. 

Being 'chronically online' means I bear witness to so much information, but I retain very little of it. I have no time to process or reflect on anything, and being in constant motion is really starting to have a negative effect on my mental health. 

I also have a lot of trouble with intrusive thoughts, and I often cope with these by seeking out company, either in person or online. I crave stimulation. I feel compelled to escape from myself. 

As you can imagine, it's a bit of a vicious cycle - the more you run from something, the more frightening it becomes. But this week, I decided to try to be kinder to myself, so I started an experiment. 

Every lunchtime I take myself out into the world and find a nice place to sit - somewhere open and communal and bustling like a park or bench on the high street. Then, I set a timer for thirty minutes, zip my phone away in my bag, and I do nothing. 

At first, it feels deeply uncomfortable. I don't know what to do with my hands. I feel like people are looking at me. My left hand feels empty without my phone. But my mind feels so full, it might burst. I start to notice how strange my body feels. Do I have a headache coming on? Maybe I should stop. 

I wait a few minutes, and let those feelings pass. All feelings pass. That's one of the (many) cool things about feelings. 

Then, I begin to notice the world around me. The pattern of the sunlight filtering through the leaves of the oak tree overhead. The sound of people laughing and chatting on the opposite bench. A hover fly skittering over the geraniums in the flower beds by the wall. 

I notice my jaw is clenched, so I relax it. I drop my shoulders and let my hands sit comfortably in my lap. I feel the sun on my face. I feel more grounded. I think about what I might have for tea later. I think about whether you're supposed to call it 'tea' or 'dinner'. I start to have ideas for poems and projects. I notice things I wouldn't see if I was just passing through. 

I notice that my thoughts aren't that scary. They're just thoughts. I don't crave stimulation. I don't need to escape. I can just be. Just for half an hour. 

Before I know it, my alarm is ringing. It's time to pop into the shop, grab a sandwich, and head back to the office. 

I'm going to see if I can keep up this routine for a bit, and see how I feel. I'll let you know how it goes. 

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